I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
