turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
