hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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