Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
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