I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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