so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
