i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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