Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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