can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
