so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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