In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
