You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
