I wish I could teleport
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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