I just made out with a guy for $7.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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