Whoa Z and x make the same sound
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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