I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
