We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Randomize
