I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Randomize
