Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
you inspire me to be a worse person
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
