I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
