Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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