Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
