Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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