it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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