saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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