my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
