I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
