so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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