The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
