i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
