You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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