this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
