ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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