I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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