Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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