Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
