I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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