careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
