I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
