my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Hippo gnu deer
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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