It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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