I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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