now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
