my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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