I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Randomize
