According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before