Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level