I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
