Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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