It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
