3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
