the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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