Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
