I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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