It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
