He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
