Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
