I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
