I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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