New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Still dying that you shit outside
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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