Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
